Happy New Year and Happy Five Months

The years have seemed short, but days go slowly by - Shins

The girls are five months on New Years Day and the year has been so full of amazement and change I'm having a hard time putting it into words. A little over a year ago Jonathan and I sat in a restaurant downtown celebrating our anniversary, two glasses of champagne sat in front of us, only one drunk and we toasted to the best news of our lives.  

Every year we have moments that stick out to us, some years more than others, have so many memories we can't believe they all happened over the course of twelve months. This year has been one of the years for me. So filled with memories I can't even begin to wrap my head around all that has changed in my life. But more than thinking about how my life has changed, what I reflect on the most about this year is how the year has changed me. I'm not the same person I was last year, of course we never are, but I mean it in a life altering way...I am fundamentally different now. I feel differently about things, the things that used to matter to me don't matter as much, and things that didn't matter at all before, are ridiculously important to me now. I started this year not knowing anything about motherhood, and now I'm a mother... to twins. 

This year has been the most fantastically challenging year of my life, and I am grateful for every character building moment it has given me.  This year has taught me a lot about myself, writing this blog has helped me reflect on the things I want for my children and the things I want for myself in the coming year. So as I say goodbye to this blessed year and welcome the changes that are to come.. I begin 2015 with a few intentions: 

I will be more present and intentional with my time, whatever it is I'm doing, there is beauty even in the mundane and monotonous tasks and I have spent far too much time with my head in my phone and not enough with heart in the task. 

Take time to validate the people that I love by saying thank you, telling them how grateful I am for all they have done for me now, and in the past, telling people they are doing good work, even for the small stuff. We all need a cheerleader, and being a good one is a daily practice. 

and at my husbands request.. and because we're moving this year, taking a stab at being more neighborly. We've been blessed with amazing neighbors since moving to Portland, some have developed into friendships I am positive will stand the test of time. I hope in the coming year, we make connections and develop a since of community and belonging like we've found here. 

Finally, Summer & Samantha.. Happy 1st New Year!! I am afraid you cannot stay awake till midnight and watch the ball drop! But I hope you are sleeping soundly and dreaming about sweet puppies frolicking, mommy cuddles and kisses, waltzing on daddy's shoulder, and all the people who love you dearly. You, my sweet little girls, are the best gift I have ever received. I cannot wait to begin our 2015 adventure together, may we find the extraordinary in every ordinary day. Love, your ridiculously proud mom

Bring it 2015.

How can they be four months already?!

Another month has gone by and, like the ones before it, it seems to have happened at light speed. Where did the time go? It seems like I just wrote the three month post last week..?

The girls have grown and are really starting to come into their own. They are shifting from newborn "infant hood" to tiny humans with lots of emotions, needs, and distinct personalities. This shift as taken them from adorable little blobs to kicking, moving, fun little people. However, this month has been full of changes and Jonathan and I have really earned our parenting stripes. If I'm being honest, this has been the hardest month yet.

We spent two weeks out of the month traveling to visit family in Arizona, thereby changing the twins' routine and surroundings almost instantly. While it was fun to share the joy of the girls with everyone, it was extremely challenging to keep the girls on schedule.  You have to understand: the schedule is our life. Even when it doesn't make sense to others, the schedule is imperative, and sticking to a schedule is what makes caring for twins achievable. Without the schedule it's chaos wrapped up in two adorable little packages that can scream and cry for hours with overtired, underfed, inconsolable rage. These moments challenge the core of your patience and fortitude to keep calm, take a deep breath, and keep trying... without losing your shit, too.

We've been home for about a week now and things are just starting to get settled. The girls AND mom and dad are just getting over a cold and on the mend to being healthy again. We had "fun" adventures in temperature taking, snot sucking with the Nosefrida (disgusting/amazing tool), and waking every 2-3 hours. All...night...long. Kudos to Jonathan for being an amazing dad and taking the night duty so at least one of us could focus our energy on getting well.. I'm happy to say we survived and the girls now have some immunity to at least one virus! Only a billion more to go! ;)

I know this post seems so negative but it's not meant to be... it's just really, really real and not sugar coated. Sometimes parenthood is just a character-building challenge. Though this month has been filled with those moments, it has also been filled with hilarious laughter, the smooshiest heart warming cuddles, the softest sweetest kisses, and some of the most fulfilling minutes of motherhood. Every morning, the girls greet me with their biggest smiles, they grab onto my shoulder when I pick them up, they love getting kisses, being sung to, reading books, playing with toys, laughing, splashing the water during bath time, and are just starting to recognize that the world they are now a part of is big and full of wonder... it's a gift to watch a child see something for the first time and to share their amazement in the mundane. It's a great reminder that every moment, every experience, counts for them and that this time in their life is part of the miracle I have the privilege to witness.

Time Flies! It's been Three Months!

Our girls turn three months this week, time absolutely seems to be going at warp speed! My two little squishy lumps of baby love are growing up fast and I can't figure out a way to slow time down.

In the last month the girls have made some big developmental advances! This month the girls have become responsive to smiles, they love being smiled at, and "coo'd ooo'd ahh'd" to,  they make the worlds cutest noises to communicate back if you try to speak to them, and they see so much more now! They've noticed Dahlia and wonder what in the world this huge dark fluffy creature is, and in turn we're letting the puppy slowly get a little more in the babies faces. We have moved them from co-sleeping in our room into their nursery overnight and, so far at least, it's going very well. While I appreciate having a little quieter sleepy time and some alone time with Jon, I will admit I miss their sweet little baby grunts and sleepy noises, but I know it's for the best and we all sleep a little better in our own rooms. Jon and I have continue to tweak our parenting tactics as we go along...!

It's been a big month for us as a family. After some serious soul searching, I decided not to return to work at the end of my maternity leave. Life is just too short and, while there will always be other jobs, this time with them is something I can't ever get back. So, for now I'm full time mom: the hardest job I've ever had in my entire life! I'm on duty 24/7, 365, with no breaks, vacation, or sick days, sometimes my bosses even think it's funny to spit up all over me, or scream at me when they're hungry or I'm doing something wrong. But it's ok, 'cause I'm paid in baby smiles, laughs, and kisses.... I think, it's a good trade.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life as it relates to the girls. As they get older and see more in the world around them, I recognize that my life -- what I say, do, watch, listen to, and how I behave -- are all center stage as an example for how to live their lives. The reality of this makes me churn with thought about what I want the girls to learn from my example, and how I can continue to work on the personal things I know aren't the most positive things about myself.

To that end, I took time to write down all the adages I want to relay to the girls. Some I have discovered on my own journey through life, and some are inherited from my mom and have really stuck with me my entire life... the most prominent one being "choose your battles wisely." I can't even recall the number of times my mother said this to me, to someone else, to my brother, to herself even... but it's good advice in moments of trial, and remembering this makes me take a second to pause and decide if this is really worth the fight. I must have written down 50 of them, but I'll just share a few. I know they are cliche, but well crafted words can stick to us like glue, and compel us to think and act differently.

• There is no weakness in forgiveness
• Speak kindly to and of yourself. 
• Sometimes you just have to suck it up and keep going. 
• Always seek to find a new perspective.
• Relish in the "firsts" of your life, they only happen once. 
• You're your own best advocate. 
• Speak the truth, but gently.
• Dance like no one is watching, and sing like no one can hear you. 
• Love deeply and without fear. 
• Don't settle, live your adventure. 
• Remember, you are always worth it. 

This month has been even better than the last, and I imagine next month better than this one. Every day I fall more and more in love with the girls. Their smiles and sounds warm my heart, and I can't seem to stop kissing their little heads and rubbing cheeks with them whenever I hold them. I'm continuing to grow as a mother, understanding that this, unlike anything else in my life, is something that can't be understood until you've done it. There is no other feeling or job like it, and the joys and struggles I'm facing can't be compared to anything else I've experienced. I've come to recognize that these girls are gift of a wholly new perspective on life and the world, and I'm becoming a better person everyday because of it.  

Baby girls, heres to you making it 90 degrees around the Sun, I love you to the moon and back again.