Sissies Needn't Apply

The girls just rounded six weeks old and I believe Jon and I should give each other some kind of award for still standing. We've been doing this parenting thing without assistance for almost a month and we've made it to the store (surviving Costco on a Sunday with twinfants makes you feel kinda like a badass); we've eaten warm, homecooked dinners (and lots of breakfast burritos, thanks Mom!); our dishes get washed and the laundry gets folded; our house gets vacuumed and is pretty clean; we've both worked out several times; we've even made it to a couple of happy hours and brought the girls. Dare I even say it? The bed gets made. My father's life long conditioning of making the bed every morning somehow still seems important. In other words, we are totally rocking this parenting thing!

However, I can't really tell you any detail about what's happened the past few weeks, mostly cause it's all happened in this exhausted dazed state of mind and body. For instance, me standing holding random items and discovering I'm completely unaware of what the heck I was planning to do with these things, and why did I come upstairs anyway? Toothbrushes have been put on chargers with the toothpaste still on them, cause I was too tired to notice Jon hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Awaking from the dead of sleep to your husband mumbling that he's "going to lay this baby down," the proceeding to a level 9 freak out before realizing he's actually holding a pillow that he dreamt was a baby.

Imagine how hard it is to run a marathon, only this one is more like an ultra... like a 50 mile ultra. Only when you get to the end of the ultra, you're rewarded with a couple of hours of sleep and then they make you run the ultra again, and again, and again. Everyday, you work as hard and as efficiently as you can, all day and potentially all night, stopping for quick one handed eating breaks (often you wish you could figure out a handsfree eating solution for meals), cause your other hand is being beckoned for just as soon as you need it for yourself.  There really isn't any room for sissies in this job. It asks for everything you've got, and then shows you how much more you have to give.

This past six weeks have been amazing. Watching the girls grow has been without a doubt been the most incredible thing I've ever experienced in my life. I didn't even know I could feel the way I do about my children. But this has also been the most challenging and exhausting thing I have ever done in my life. Parenthood is a 24/7, 365 job, and there are definitely no such things as weekends. In fact, as I write this, I chuckle cause for the first time since mid-pregnancy (approximately six months ago) I slept last night for NINE hours (not all at once, but still) and it was INCREDIBLE. The girls had a good night, it was the best vacation I've had in months and I spent it blissfully unconscious.

This post is brought to you as respect for all the mothers and fathers out there. Before getting pregnant, I thought I got it -- sure yeah, it's hard but really, how hard could it be? I realized weeks ago... I definitely didn't get it, not at all. This is one of those experiences that is defined by its difficulty, something those who've been there before can look at and truly understand the commitment required to be all that you can and more, to give without regard to accolades, thanks, or respite. To all the good parents out there -- especially our parents -- this is a virtual double high five from me to you!

Post Bathtime snuggles

Sleepy Mornings after looong nights 

Five week check up! They finally love looking in mirrors! 

If ever there was an must have item, it's these vibrating bouncers. #love

One Whole Month Old

It's been a month since I arrived at the hospital to embark on the journey of becoming these two little girls mommy. I am in shock that they are a month old now. I've been their mother for 32 days, and while they're so new, it's like they've been here all along. They've already changed so much in this first month that I cannot imagine how fast this first year will pass... they say it's like a blink of an eye and they are in high school, or heading off to college, or getting married. I get it now: it's not just a figure of speech, it's a real reality... they grow up fast, and this itty bitty baby phase is over faster than we can absorb it.

When I met these girls a month ago, I didn't know them yet. I didn't know what their little faces would emote, what kind of hair they'd have, the shape of their noses, and sounds of their cries... it was all a mystery. I loved them from the first moment that I saw them, but this month has been about falling in love with them. Learning about who they are as people, what they like, don't like, what they need. Samantha and Summer are such unique individuals from each other and yet it's evident they love and are comforted by each other's presence... they love to sleep together, side to side. Neither is bothered or awoken by the other's crying (thank goodness). They eat at different paces, they move with different vigor, and they cry at different volumes! For me, every day has been about patience, kindness, and understanding.

Someday I imagine that these now little lumps of love and baby softness will be babbling little girls,  and eventually will want to us to read this blog to them, to tell them their story, who they were as little people? Jonathan has a letter from his mother written to him while he was still an infant, more than thirty years ago, in hopes that someday he might read it as an adult and think back to a time he can't recall, but to have the chance to experience it through the lens of the love of his mother. The letter is an unforgettable gift of words.  I hope this blog will be that for Summer and Sam, someday they'll know how much they were wanted, and loved before they were ever even conceived.

So here it goes, after a month of life, this is what I have to say about each of you:

Samantha, you are one fierce little girl. You use your legs, back and neck with a strength I hadn't ever expected an wee little six pound baby to possess. It's really something to behold, I think you have a fine sports future ahead of you should you ever desire to be an all star soccer player or something. You spend so much of the day awake, and since the minute you were born you've looked at the world with big wide open eyes, not fussing or crying but just taking it all in... You look so happy and content I wonder if I'm missing something that you're seeing. You are the worlds pokiest eater, and until yesterday you have been none to interested in latching like your sister, you're perfectly happy with the bottle and won't be rushed to finishing your meal. You have so much hair, it's practically an inch long already, and I'm sorry to tell you it's my hair, full of cowlicks and curls and I suspect it will be outstandingly beautiful and absolutely horrible to manage. Your cheeks are filling in and your dad says you look just like his dad's mom, but when you crack a  practice smirk I actually see my dad's face in your little smiles. You are a joy and a half, sometimes in the middle of the night, when you're taking a break from your bottle I just melt into your little face. I can't get enough of your sweetness.

Summer, you are so chill. You're always mellow, calm and relaxed, until you're hungry. Then you get crazy loud with cries of hunger and you absolutely cannot be consoled until someone fills your tummy full! You love to eat, and you do it really really well. You take so much joy from your meals it brings both your dad and I joy to feed you. You are such a good little sleeper and are so happy and content wherever you are and whomever is holding you. You're a big time snuggle bear, loving being held close to your parents. You, my sweet Summer, were the first baby I laid eyes on in the hospital and the first baby I got to hold after birth. I will never forget the sweetness of your face on my lips and softness of your hair when I touched you with my hand. Speaking of hair, yours has half fallen out, but only the part on the top of your head... you're still adorably cute and a little silly with all that missing hair, both your dad and I laugh about it. I have a feeling you got your dad's thick straight hair, but time will tell. You are all cheeks: you have been from birth, in fact you look like me as a baby, with your high cheekbones and full face. We share so many of the same mannerisms too, so many it's uncanny, like how you hold your hand to your face when you sleep. Lastly, I have to mention your name.  Your dad and I agreed on your name, but I named you. As soon as I thought of your name, Summer (who we loving call Summertime), I knew it was it... You are the symbol of abundance and love, you were our 2nd baby girl and more than we ever thought possible.

A note from daddy; "You are, and will forever be, these two perfect baby girls whose tiny bodies fit mostly into the palms of our hands. I'll always remember holding you, one of you scooped up in each arm, waltzing around the living room with me, soothing away your tears. If, sometime in the distant future you girls are reading this, I want to tell you how happy and proud we are of you, no matter what has happened in the meantime. The kind of love we have for you two is permanent and irrevocable, the kind of bedrock you can build your lives on." - Jonathan

It's been a long post for the longest and shortest month of my life. It's been wild and crazy, I've been stretched beyond what I ever believed was humanly possible and all it's taught me is I have room and time for more than I ever imagined. I have learned that multi-tasking with twins is a way of life and you need to have a plan for everything, yet retain the flexibility to scrap that plan when things aren't working out. Even now, I write this post after three days of having it on my todo list, and the only way this is getting done is because I have Samantha wrapped up in the Moby, her sister downstairs spending some quality time with dad, and Dahlia at the foot of my chair getting some much needed pets that I can offer to her with my only unused limb, my right foot...

Two and half weeks, an Update!

The girls are two and half weeks and doing great. I haven't had a chance to write a blog post lately, because as you can imagine I'm busy! And when I say busy I mean busy, the days and the nights blending together into a mess of time, so that I often find myself thinking, "what day is it today?" I am sure this is totally normal (and the girls have been amazing thus far), and I'm coping with the help of my mother who, yes, is still here... I'm able to get that extra set of helping hands while I'm still figuring out this whole "how to take care of a baby, excuse me, how to take care of TWO babies" thing.  I'll admit prior to having Samantha and Summer, I'd never even changed a diaper! Don't judge. Exactly what diaper should I have changed prior to this...? There weren't exactly a plethora of small infants around when I was growing up, so it just never happened.

I thought I would write a few thoughts down about what it's been like to be a mother for a little more than two weeks...

My first thought: I can't believe I'm a mother. I can't believe these two girls are mine....I am absolutely amazed I made these two human beings, and that these people were living inside of me two weeks ago. Absolute craziness!

Being a parent to twins is hard work, like seriously challenging. Twins mean twice the everything: two times the diapers, two times the amount of bottles, twice the feedings (if you're doing it alone, twice the time to feed them too), twice the holding and cuddling, twice the laundry, and sometimes this means crying in STEREO (this can actually be sorta funny at times, cause when you're waiting for a bottle to warm, there just isn't a lot you can do to soothe a hungry baby).

And then I think, "this is amazing." When you're holding them, you look into their eyes (when they are awake) and you catch them seeing something for the first time, or turning their head to find your voice, feeling the softness of their skin when they rest on your chest, the grip of their hand around one of your fingers, watching them involuntarily offer up a little smile and you catch a glimpse of the little people they are becoming and it's amazing... like out-of-this-world amazing. 

They are both such individuals already, and I can't wait to see who they will become as they grow and flourish.

Then there are the things no one really talks about: the hormones, oh holy heck the hormones. Fantastic highs and lowest lows. Then the insane swelling, post-delivery.... we're talking legs double their normal size. The challenge of recovering while you're giving 110% of yourself to your babies. And of course, the thing nobody talks about, breastfeeding.  Let me be clear folks, breastfeeding, this  "natural" thing, doesn't seem to come naturally for many new moms... so that leaves most of us frustrated and embarking on a very intimate relationship with a pump. In my case, feeding twins leaves me asking my body to make 40-50oz of pumped milk a everyday! This takes a lot of time AND a lot of effort..... about 20 minutes every 2-3 hours, day and night. It's pure insanity at times, and let's just say the boobs are not appreciating the love "Pumpy" (what I named my rental hospital pump) is bestowing upon them... but then I see Summer and Sam take a bottle that I made for them and know I'm doing what's best for them. It empowers me to keep forging ahead even though it's a huge time commitment in an already very full day.

Grandma posing with the girls

Finally, I have to mention my family. How wonderful they are, how much my mom and Jon have given to be there for me before and after the girls arrived..... This has been a crash course for all of us, and I seriously could not have done this first couple of weeks without all hands on deck. My mom stayed up till 4 in the morning for a week so both Jon and I could get some sleep and recover from the hospital. She's been doing laundry, cooking, going to the store, making bottles, washing bottles, feeding the girls, cuddling them, changing diapers....her help has been immeasurable and I am forever grateful to her. She leaves next week to go home after a very long stay in Portland (luckily during one of the nicest parts of the year) and we're sorry to see her go!! But I am sure she'll be thrilled to be amongst her things again and enjoying the dog days of summer in Flagstaff.

Dad showing off his tandem holding skills

Lastly, Jonathan... you know how you meet some people and just know they were meant to be a parent ? Like, paternal love just exudes from them, even towards children that aren't their own. This has always been Jon. Now, two weeks in and I look at him and I see that he is the person he was always meant to be, the father to Summer and Samantha. He loves on them, jumps in without hesitation, he sings made up songs, encourages at 2:00am them when they finish a bottle by saying "crushed it!" and does it with a kind heart full of eagerness and love. As corny as it might sound to write it and profess this to the world... Jonathan is the most incredible person I've ever known. Seeing him with the girls, I know they are profoundly lucky to have him as their dad.

One big happy family

So! What's next? Who knows?! The world is our oyster... I'll work to keep you updated as we move through milestones and check in from time to time, maybe even with some motherhood reality checks.

But for right now, I'm soaking it all in, living for today and not longing for tomorrow. In other words, I'm exactly where I want to be, falling in love all over again with all of the blessings life has given me.

The Birth Story

I haven't had a chance to write out the birth story until now, As you might imagine I have had my hands quite full since last week and getting on the computer to compose a post was pretty much out of the question.  But I've carved a few moments to write....So here it goes; 

I went into early labor on Thursday July 31st, in the afternoon ... Mom and I, in effort to try to bring on labor for the two weeks prior had been completely unsuccessful and I'd come to terms with the idea that these girls might never leave the womb.... We set out to do a little slow waddle shopping at the mall, we visited some stores and then decided to stop in and grab a small bite to eat, about halfway through lunch I noticed my contractions were about every five minutes or so, as to not alarm my mom or to get my hopes up, I just continued to eat and on our way back to the car, I said, right so my contractions have been 5 minutes apart since lunch! We headed back home and waited another hour where the contractions stayed consistent  and ultimately Jonathan and I went to the hospital to get checked out.... they monitored me and confirmed I was in early labor, after the on call doctor for my office already happened to be at the hospital she stopped in and and decided to schedule an induction for the next morning at 5am. I was super thrilled to hear this news! After 37 weeks of carrying these girls in my tummy and being 4cm dilated for almost two weeks, I was READY... there just wasn't a lot of space for anything else.... uncomfortable had reached a new state of meaning for me on a daily basis.  

We were sent home to "rest" for the night... and come back in the morning. I didn't sleep a wink, but took the time to at least do my best to rest my body.... as I got up that morning  and was fixing some toast and smoothie before heading in, my water miraculously broke on it's own! All that waiting and here the day of my induction my water broke on its own anyways, it was meant to be! 

I resisted having this picture taken, but now I'll admit I'm glad I have it. Literally right before walking about the door to go to the hospital. 37 weeks and 1 day. 

We headed on in for our induction appointment feeling confident that things were going  to go perfectly and we'd be meeting our girls SOON.... Of course things rarely go as planned with labor, and twin babies... After 15 hours of laboring, my contractions were strong and closer together (with the help of pitocin), but completely unproductive & we were faced with a choice to continue trying for a natural birth or move forward with a c-section, since there was no medical reason that labor wasn't progressing. After many tears, and with a heavy heart I thought about it and truly believed that the signs were not promising, and the volume of monitoring and additional measures that were being taken because of my prolonged labor the image in my head of the birth story I'd hoped for just wasn't materializing. I just couldn't fathom having our girls stressed through another 14+ hours of labor.... so together Jon and I decided it was best to opt for the c-section.  

My doctor, the sweetest most amazing doctor, missed his camping trip and stayed to perform my c-section that night, I am so grateful for his gift of time and compassion for what was an extremely challenging decision to make, during my spinal I was scared and worried and he stood in front of me put his arms around my shoulders and let me put my head on his chest and he assured me all was going to be ok, and I was making a good decision. Ultimately, he was right, everything did go smoothly.. and while not the image of birth I had in my head, I wouldn't change anything about the moment I first heard their cries from behind the curtain and seeing how excited Jon was to show me the picture of Samantha on our camera till they could bring her and Summer around for me to see and touch them. It was the most amazing sound of my life, and some of the most solidifying moments of our marriage to me... feeling Jonathan sit next to me, and squeeze my hand through this time was an indescribable act of love. When I was finally able to see the girls, I just couldn't believe it, they were here, they were mine, and I made these magnificent human beings, TWO of them.  

Samantha Gale 8:16pm at 5lbs 5oz 18.5inches long (left)

Summer Ann  8:18pm at 6lbs 2oz 19.25inches long (right)

Samantha & Summer

My first time seeing and holding them, the single best moment of my life. 

Our first family photo.

We're all together, and elated!

I'm grateful for a body that sustained these lives, and I can't wait to share all the pictures, videos and joy along the way with you all. 

This is really hard !

I haven't written an update in while simply because I there wasn't much to tell and frankly at this moment there isn't a lot to update. The Minis seem to have decided they are perfectly happy where they are and don't want to come into the world quite yet, despite my best efforts in encouraging them along. I've tried everything. Seriously, EVERYTHING. I've had two very uncomfortable procedures at the doctor's office to help things along and alas, here they stay inside my seriously huge belly measuring the same as a woman who would be 50 weeks pregnant..... so imagine if a woman was pregnant for almost a year.

I hate to admit I've grown weary of the comments in the stores, talking about my body with random strangers who can't help my stare at the sight that is this magnificent belly. My poor mother has been here for the past month waiting around with me (something we hadn't anticipated in the least) and I think perhaps we're all just not sure if the Minis will EVER come. It's strange to have spent much of the last half of my pregnancy preventing pre-term labor and now I'd give my right arm to go into labor... I guess the moral of this: bed rest works, sometimes a little too well. 

On Monday I saw my doctor and he just wasn't ready to induce, even though the girls are super healthy and ready. So I've been walking around at 4.5cm and 100% effaced for a week or more... I can't imagine why I'm so uncomfortable! In desperation after my appointment on Monday, I dragged Jon to the OHSU stairs on Terwilliger and did stair repeats... it didn't work.  I see the doctor again on Friday and am so hopeful I will go into labor before then... but if not, I'm hopeful he'll consider doing more to help this process along.  

I wish I could be more positive: I mean, I get all the positive things about the girls staying in here, "Hang in there!" blah blah blah, but this Really, Really Really Hard... carrying around two 6.5lb babies plus all their goodies (placentas, amniotic sacks, etc) we're talking 20+ lbs just hanging off the front of me ALL the time and the load is only getting larger and heavier everyday. 

I appreciate all the followers through this whole process and had hoped to dig for more positive energy in this post... but I'm afraid at the moment what you get is the real, hardcore truth. Pregnancy is no joke, being pregnant with twins is really no joke. I'm still focusing on the day I get to see their faces, and kiss their little feet.... and I'm praying that day is not just soon, but like, TODAY. 

16 more days! But who's counting?

I don't have any miraculous updates to give lately. We're in the waiting mode... just sitting around and waiting. I've been on bed rest for over a month now and all I can say.. it SUCKS! .. but the good news, it's helping. I'm now almost 33 weeks and the girls are looking great, they are getting big, kicking and punching me hard while wiggling all over the place.

Personally, I'm feeling like I've had just about enough of this being pregnant thing lately and while I really want them to grow and be healthy and certainly will do all I can to ensure that happens... I'm also very eagerly awaiting their getting the boot from my belly. Oh how I miss the days of cocktails in the sunshine, seeing anything in the lower half of my body, being able to bend over, and laying on my stomach ... ohhhh that probably most of all.

So we're at 16 days and counting till we've reached the ominous 35 weeks, a huge milestone and likely when I can ease off this best rest and start doing a few things again before they arrive. I say few, cause seriously I am winded just walking up the stairs!

We're ready for them, the hospital bag is packed, the car seats are installed, everything is washed, the diaper stations are ready... we got this! Shoot this reminds me, I haven't washed the bottles! Okay, we're 99.9% ready!

I have continued taking a weekly picture and will put them all together after I deliver..... however, I am so tired of people telling me how small my belly is! Clearly, they haven't seen many other 33 week pregnant women! I assure everyone, the girls are growing great, and I am, despite what the pictures might seem, measuring significantly further along than 43+ weeks of being pregnant with one baby.... GEEZ! I think the incredible size of my boobs have to be balancing out my stomach and giving it an optical illusion of being smaller.

Also, I'd hoped to have escaped the stretch marks, but this week... just seemed overnight a few showed up :( Bummer... oh well.. it was bound to happen.

Check in again soon!

Rounding home base!

So much has happened since the last blog post and at the same time it feels like nothing has really changed.. I'm still pregnant, just bigger. It's become evident that we're feeling the pressure of time beginning to slip away before we meet the girls for the first time. It's crazy to me to think that they will be here next month!
I N S A N I T Y.... Thinking way back to November when we started this whole process July seemed like a long long time away and now we down to single digit weeks left.

Let's see since the last update, I had a spectacular baby shower, filled with gifts, friends, beautiful flowers, and generally one of the most amazing days I'd had in a very long time. I was filled with joy that so many amazing women planned and helped me celebrate this event in my life. I have't really been one to have a lot of girlfriends in my life, but since moving to Portland I've just met so many inspiring women that I can hardly say that statement is true anymore... and sharing the day with all the women I've connected with since moving here was truly meaningful. My mom made the trip from Arizona to be here for the shower as well my good friend Trysta from California ... two really awesome gifts of love. The shower was "tea for two" and super girly and fun, I loved it! There were so many gifts, that my small bladder couldn't make it through the opening of them all with out a break! (pretty funny, actually). For those of you that read this blog and came to the shower, thank you! And for those friends from afar, I know you were there in spirit.

I mentioned my mom came for the shower, she also brought my dad along to join in on the incredible lack of fun I am for several days. I say that cause I'm huge, I can't do  much of anything, and I'm pretty tired... so sometimes I make the worst kind of company. He came anyways, and was able to go to one of the ultrasounds I had scheduled for the week.. they both were able to feel the girls kick this visit and I think the whole thing made the trip worthwhile even if I wasn't the best company. My mom and dad also did lots of things to help out around the house.... how awesome are parents?! Mom cleaned, and cooked/prepped a bunch of freezer meals so we didn't have to worry about cooking so much. Dad helped Jon learn how to install new toilets (two new low flow commodes in our house!), and they cleaned up all the weeds from the yard and attempted to figure out how to kill the mole that is ruining our once beautiful lawn :( ... unfortunately no success yet. I am so grateful for their help... and can't wait for my mom to return next month... as I know we will need all the hands we can get for the first several weeks.

Let's see... I had some tests done as well, one didn't go as well as I'd hoped and and I had to go back and have a follow up test for gestational diabetes, called the 3 hour glucose test.... it wasn't much fun at all and really stressed me out, but I will choose to focus on the fact that I passed it, and now it's behind me. <moving on>  No more ten hours of fasting, and 4 blood draws, hooray!

This weekend we went to a class for twins newborn care and breastfeeding..... it was information overload, and I'm not sure if it made me feel better or worse about where we're at. The thought of one baby is pretty overwhelming to the majority of people, two.. let's just say it's going to be intense... but I am sure I will figure it out. At one point in the class the woman teaching, managed to get both babies (who were visiting to talk to us soon to be parents) onto a feeding pillow, bottle feed them both at the same time, continue feeding one while burping other, then switch, then change diapers, and swaddle them and you'd swear she was David Copperfield status with her magic trick of doing this all flawlessly.  The class was eye opening, though and definitely worth the time and effort to take it.

I saw this the other day and had to laugh at the # of strangers who try to relate by telling me how close their kids are in age.

I'm afraid I have no other news to share.. and the news train is slowing down before the big day.. we have another ultrasound on Wednesday this week, I am sure they will measure everyone again... we're crossing our fingers that Baby B has flipped from breech to head down.... and that she stays there. But other than that... we're on the home stretch, I even have a countdown on my phone.. I am feeling ridiculously uncomfortable all the time.. sometimes it's a little overwhelming it's so much... but Jon's incredible and doing all he can to help me and make as comfortable as possible.....

For now I'll try to check in at least one more time before they arrive.. and of course once they are here we'll get to reveal the names! :) (I wouldn't wait, but Jon wants too)


Baby shower pictures!